By Your Side…

It was a Sunday afternoon in June, around 3:30 PM. I was restlessly sitting in a hospital’s ICU lobby with my mom, praying silently. It had been 3 weeks since the day we brought my husband Jojo to the hospital due to an illness called Dengue. He acquired this illness while he was still in the Philippines. He was hospitalized there, and thank God, after a few weeks, he recovered. We were expecting his recovery would continue after moving to Canada that May. But a few days after his arrival, he lost his appetite and stopped eating. The doctor told us during our second visit to the clinic to bring Jojo to the hospital as soon as possible because he said that my husband was not in a good state. So, we heed his advice, but it took many hours waiting in the Er’s lobby before Jojo was looked after in the Emergency Room. Then he was transferred to the hospital ward, something bad happened which led him to be transferred to the ICU. Jojo has been in critical condition since then.

It was just 11 months ago when Jojo and I got married. My parents and I flew to the Philippines for our wedding because Jojo resided there, and I had to file for sponsorship after we got married so he could move here to Canada. We had a solemn Christian wedding ceremony shared with a small number of guests of relatives and friends. Jojo and I were so happy that day and we were looking forward to starting our life together in Canada.

Jojo had been in the ICU for about 2 weeks. He was transferred there because he had a seizure after a nurse injected him with morphine several times in the hospital ward. The nurse told me that one of the doctors instructed him to do this procedure because Jojo was already suffering from a lot of internal body pain. When I saw the number of tubes of morphine he was going to inject into Jojo, it scared me for some reason. I felt that something bad was going to happen…. And right after the nurse had injected that last tube of morphine, I noticed Jojo’s body started to twitch, so I asked the nurse what was going on, but he didn’t say a word and he looked so worried while looking at my husband….And what happened next shocked me….

Suddenly Jojo’s face and his whole body turned purplish-blue. His eyes rolled back up. His body was shaking uncontrollably and stretching in pain. I was traumatized and started screaming and crying. My Dad who was standing right next to me quickly covered my eyes with his hand and pulled me away from the room as I heard “Code blue, code blue, code blue….” echoing in the room and hallway…Things happened so fast…Health staff rushed into Jojo’s room…I felt so helpless not being able to help Jojo….. I was totally in a state of shock…. My Dad and I were escorted by some people to a room farther from Jojo’s room… There were one or two other people who comforted me in that room. I was just crying non-stop….Then one healthcare staff handed me Jojo’s wedding ring which made me cry even more because Jojo never takes it off since the day he almost lost it. I was praying so hard to God, begging for His miracle to help Jojo survive….I was so scared….I don’t want to lose my loving husband.

After almost an hour or so, a staff member came and said that they were able to revive Jojo because his heart is strong, and he really fought for his life. According to that staff, it was a miracle because most patients do not survive that stage. I felt so relieved and so thankful to the Lord God. The day Jojo again regained consciousness was a mixture of joy and heartache. I was so glad to see him alive, moving and gazing at me as I entered his room. I was wearing the pink sweater he gave me, so he could easily recognize me because I noticed his vision became poor lately. Seeing him now with intubation, as well as IVs on his hands/arms hurts me. As he gazed at me with tearful eyes while trying to move his arms, I could feel the physical and emotional pain he had been feeling, and I wished I could take them all away for him. While holding back my tears, I tried my best to comfort him by holding his hand and then caressing his face and hair and telling him that I love him so much, to stay strong and that a lot of people are praying for him. This somehow calms him down and he fell asleep.

While in the ICU, a lot of things were done to Jojo, even before he had a seizure. The medical staff gave him very strong medications but all this didn’t improve his condition. I remember he had to go through several dialysis treatments. And I found out that they did this treatment 2 days in a row for some reason, and Jojo’s condition got worse Saturday night. I thought we would be able to see him at around 5:30 PM as I was told of a specific time we could come to visit him. But something changed that night. They moved it to 7 PM, and yet when that time came, I was told that I still couldn’t come in. I became so worried then and all I could do is pray.…. As I was waiting restlessly in the lobby with my Mom and Dad, I had this strange painful feeling in my stomach and coldness in my heart. It seemed like there was something bad going on with Jojo. It was already past 11 PM when I was told that I could come in and see Jojo for a short while, but only outside his room through the glass window. As I entered the ICU’s main door and started walking towards Jojo’s room, my heart feels heavy. I saw Jojo being unconscious and there was a blood stain on the left side of his bed. This bothered me the whole night.

Come Sunday morning, our church pastor came to see Jojo and offered a prayer for him. A few relatives and family friends also came. I was so in tears looking at Jojo’s face. His eyes were like staring into nothingness in just one section of that room. He seemed like he couldn’t really see people standing around him. I know the strong medications affected his vision and even his hearing. He was breathing, but he is not moving…The sound of the breathing machine was making a strange irregular tune when I was talking to him like he was trying to tell me something. How I wish he could still talk. But he couldn’t, because of the tube in his mouth… I kept praying and hoping that Jojo’s condition would improve, at least for him to finally breathe on his own without the help of the machine or ventilator. I was desperately hoping for God’s miracle…for His mercy.

It was about 3:50 PM. There were people coming in and out of that lobby area when suddenly, I saw someone walking towards me from the ICU. I realized it’s the head nurse. She kneels down in front of me with a deep sigh. It makes me so nervous. She looked into my eyes and said, “Charie… I’m so sorry… Your husband is gone…”

I felt my heart freeze… It literally felt very cold. My stomach was trembling so badly, and I just couldn’t speak a word to the nurse. It was like my heart really stopped beating and my surroundings suddenly just stopped moving after hearing those words…That painful reality was very difficult to accept.… My mind went blank and I felt so weak. It was just so hard to breathe….I was crying so hard…. Jojo was gone…..This can’t be true. My mom was comforting me, and I saw tears flowing from her eyes. Outside, I noticed it was raining and dark. I remember it was sunny in the morning, and I didn’t notice how the weather suddenly changed to a gloomy afternoon. It was just a few months ago that I was looking forward to celebrating our “First Year Wedding Anniversary”. I was praying and hoping Jojo would get well and had planned to take him to a very nice lake when he was feeling better. I knew he would like it there. It never crossed my mind that he would be gone, that I would become a young widow just a month before our First Year Wedding Anniversary. We were supposed to grow old together. My family was so affected by his death, especially my mom. She worried about what was going to happen to me after this. She actually almost had a stroke that day after learning Jojo had a seizure and he was transferred to the ICU.

Later that night in my room, while sitting in my bed with a heavy heart, soaking with tears. I felt these strange goosebumps all over my body that I’d never felt before which lasted for more than 5 minutes. I also felt this during the day of Jojo’s viewing at the funeral home. It was as if Jojo was there hugging me and trying to comfort me. I also started to notice out of the blue the number “143”, whether from suddenly seeing it on my phone, or digital clock early at 1:43 AM or in the afternoon, even on a vehicle’s plate number. For us, that number means “I love you” and whenever I see that number, I feel that Jojo was there reminding me that he loves me.

For many years, I have suffered from depression and wasn’t able to return to my graphic design job. I lost my motivation. I lost so many things when I lost Jojo. Everything changed. Painful realities/situations one by one occurred in my life, adding to my deep sorrow. Many don’t really understand what I’m going through or truly feel as a young widow, and I can understand why. They’re not in my place. People grieve differently. Each person, relationship, and situation are different, so how we deal with each loss will be different as well. There were days when I thought that I was feeling a bit better, and then all of a sudden, it was like going back again to where it all started. Those painful memories were so vivid…. I keep running to the Lord God, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit in prayer to help me get through this very tough time in my life. And I really thank God for comforting me and giving me strength and hope to continue my days. I wouldn’t be here today without Him. I believe that God showed me His love and help through very few people who truly cared, those who stayed and did not get tired of me on this journey. God knows who they are, and deep in my heart, I am forever grateful to each and every one of them for their love, patience, and understanding even if it’s so difficult at times. They give me a reason to continue. May our Lord God bless them all.

There are passages from the Holy Bible which give me comfort and hope. They encourage me to always look forward to tomorrow. The following scriptures really helped me in my grief journey:

• “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18)
• “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
• “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:2)
• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
• “When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” (Psalm 94:18-19)
• “After your season of suffering, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)
• “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

One day, it crossed my mind if I could be able to earn a living while being at home with my Mom, so she had company. When I lost Jojo, I came to realize that life is really short. It isn’t worth it worrying about stuff that is not really a matter of life and death. Our time with our loved ones, especially our aging parents is more important than other things. Every second counts. Life has no rewind.

When I told my mom about my idea of starting a small business, she was so excited about it. I did a lot of research and tried selling different stuff locally and online before I finally opened a small shop on Etsy. I’m fond of vintage items and found solace in looking through old items for some reason. I learned there are many people who also appreciate and collect vintage stuff, so I started listing some of the vintage items I purchased in the past. My mom helped me in my search for vintage items. Every time I sold an item, I praised God for it. As time went on, I expanded my small business by offering photo editing services such as retouching and restoring old photos. I named my little shop “Fourever Seven Creative Creations & Vintage Finds“.

Then came one day, I received a message from a lady asking me if I can add a photo of her deceased loved one (a grandma) in a spirit-like way in the sky to a picture of the two grandkids. I was unsure how to do this, as I had never done this type of photo editing before. I prayed for guidance and was able to compose a photo layout. The lady requested a small change, which I made, and she was happy with the final outcome. I am grateful to God for helping me complete my first photo project order, and I started offering this service in my shop…. Later, I created a sample photo listing by adding my late husband to a photo of me walking alone in the park. Editing Jojo’s image made me very emotional, but it brought me comfort to see him in that photo walking beside me even just in spirit. As I continued with the editing, I thought of adding his special spoken words to the photo layout. He always mentions it to me when he calls from the Philippines several months before he passed. And this completed the photo layout and I listed it as one of my samples in my shop.

I received heartwarming reviews from my clients for fulfilling their photo orders. It was touching to read their kind words, and I made sure to send a thank you message to each of them. Their appreciation brought joy to my heart, and word of my work spread. As a result, I began receiving more custom photo requests. It brings me great joy to help others remember their departed loved ones, and it’s especially rewarding when it brings them comfort. This work gives me a sense of purpose, and I credit the Lord God for allowing my little shop to be a blessing to others.

If Jojo were still with us, I believe he would be delighted with the photo projects I’ve created for my clients. I recall sending him an email with a photo collage of us together, which I made by blending our individual pictures because we were in a long-distance relationship. Jojo was so impressed with my work and even mentioned showing it to his co-workers. It was so special to him. I’ve since created several photo layouts of us, and Jojo had actually planned to compile them into an album to show our future child if we were blessed with one. But God had a different plan for us.

There’s truth in this passage in the Bible where it says, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13). I believe if we pray for something in line with God’s will, He will grant our prayer. Sometimes our prayers may go unanswered, leaving us feeling confused and uncertain. However, it’s important to remember that God’s plans are greater than ours. He only wants the best for us. In my grieving experience, I’ve slowly come to see my disappointment as an appointment with God, which has brought me even closer to Him and to hold onto His words and promises that give me hope and a future. Though I may not always understand why things happen the way they do, I trust that I will gain new insights and perspectives on life as time goes on.

Whatever happens, no matter how painful the situation is in our life, we have to continue to trust God and have faith in Him. We need to pray each day. Praying brings us in touch with God, which is so sacred and privileged. We need to ask for His guidance and wisdom, and not rely on our own understanding. He is our only hope. He loves us so much. We should thank God for everything, in good times and bad times, and bring glory to Him in everything that we do. I know it is a lot easier for us to give thanks to Him when everything is going well, but not in the lowest times of our lives. But the Bible encourages us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, where it says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

I am grateful to have had Jojo in my life. He was a kind, loving, down-to-earth, very caring husband who treated me with respect and made me feel so special. A kind of love that I never really thought existed anymore. He was a God-fearing man. He was not only good to me but also to my parents and brothers, his family and relatives, friends, co-workers and other people. Many have said that Jojo would have been a great father, and I cannot agree more with them. Even though his life was cut short, I believe that he was one of the many blessings I received from God. I miss Jojo dearly. I miss walking beside him and holding my hand. I miss hearing his voice, and his funny jokes just to make me smile. I miss when he texts me and says, “I love you so much, love…” several times daily. And when he reminds me each day to pray before I go to work. It all became so quiet, and it took me a long while before I got used to this deafening silence. And I look forward to being reunited with him in Heaven.

Although it has been years, yet there are no days that I don’t think of Jojo. I visit his resting place frequently. Once in a while, I still experience moments of intense emotion when I remember the tragic scenes in the hospital. There will always be something that will remind me of it. On many special occasions, I still feel these strange goosebumps on my head and face, as if someone was touching me. And I’ll catch sight of the number “143” at random moments. Some might say it was just my imagination or a mere coincidence. But I feel that Jojo’s spoken words on the phone, months before he passed still connect us even though he is no longer with me. I can still hear those words echoing in my heart and mind: “Love…. No matter how far apart we are…. Just remember…. I will always be by your side…. Love, I love you so much…. I love you so much…….”

Written By: Charie | FoureverSeven